Edward's Dark Secret
by amused-cat23
Summary: Edward is a twisted vampire indeed! And Jacob makes the best of a situation.


**Hello dearies! Might I say, I hope you are having a delightful day, and I hope you have an even better one after reading this! After reading **_**Just Another Day**_** by Anonymous I Think, I was inspired to write another **_**Twilight**_** parody! If you are reading this Anonymous I Think (I really hope you are!), I would just like to say YOU ROCK! XD Thanks for your lovely stories! You have opened my eyes to the wonders of Alice and Jasper's relationship! **

**Anyhoo, ON WITH THE STORY! **

"Yoohoooooo! Bella, my love! Come watch me throw around boulders!"

Bella rolled her eyes. Every opportunity Edward got, he showed off his vampire strength and just how much it sucks to not be a cool vampire.

Bella, being the bitchy little thing she is, stomped her foot (bitchily) and huffed inside (in a very bitchy way), leaving Edward (like a bitch) to knock himself out with the rocks. Seriously, as soon as he noticed her walk away, he lost concentration and a two ton stone hit him on the head. He fell face first into the ground, and the other rocks (all adding up to about fifteen tons) fell on him.

Bella stormed up to her room, tears streaming down her face. When she opened her door, she saw a flash of baby oil slick abs and then she was being crushed by a half naked Quileute.

"Oh Bella! Sweet, sweet Bella! I love you! I'm so in love with you, it makes me want to projectile vomit all over you! Do you feel that way? Do you want to puke on me? OH! SAY YES, MY DEAR! SAY YES!"

Gasping for breath, Bella was able to choke out, "I know! *koff* You tell me every other week! HACK!"

Bella coughed up a furball. She had a bad habit of licking her legs when she hadn't shaved for a few months.

It turned Edward on immensely. Little to Bella's knowledge, her beau had a huge animal fetish. In fact, it was so big that whenever he saw the werewolves, he had to run away to avoid embarrassment. I guess you could say that whenever the wolves came, so did Edward. *snickers like a fool* *slaps self* Ahem… Sorry…

Jacob waited for Bella to stop choking, bouncing up and down like someone who really had to pee. Coincidentally, Jacob drank three cups of coffee, seven Red Bulls and an eight pack of Monsters. He actually did really have to pee. Once Bella coughed up all her leg hair, Jacob grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and mashed his lips to her nose. Embry had told him that a girl's nose is like her g-spot. Jacob stuck his tongue into her nostril and started making out with her nose. It was really quite gross, as there was saliva and mucus everywhere (Jacob's tongue triggered a sneeze out of Bella).

After what seemed like way too long, Jacob pulled away, looking at the girl in front of him. Bella looked like she was mid sob. Her eyes were squeezed shut, nose wrinkled, nostrils flared and her mouth was open in an upside down U. Her face was also dripping with spit and snot.

Jacob' heart swelled and tears came to his eyes, "Oh Bella! Do you love me? Because I love you! So much!"

Bella shook her head violently, sending the gross liquids on her face everywhere. Jacob took that as a yes and took off his pants, leaving himself completely naked. The mid sob look never left the girl's face as she was being stripped naked by Jacob. He pushed her onto her bed and started frenching her nose again.

Well, seeing as they were both naked, you can guess what they did. Eh, actually, what Jacob did. Bella just lay there, the sobby look still on her face.

When Jacob was finished two and a half minutes later, he snuggled next to Bella, nuzzling her neck like a dog. He sighed happily and fell asleep. Bella's face was stuck in that unfortunate look. Actually, I think she died. She didn't move at all.

Oh, wait, she twitched. She was just stunned at how bad Jacob was.

Just then, Edward woke up.

"Wha-what happened? Bellaaaaaaaaaa! My love! Where art thou?"

Edward had random Shakespearian moments. He sniffed the air, trying to find the smell of his lovely Bella. She smelled like a mixture of BO, rotting fish and dumpster. Edward found it intoxicating.

He smelled his beloved, but he also smelled the musk of man. A Native American man.

"Jacob."

Never has there been so much anger, violence and arousal in two short syllables. The vampire jumped through the second floor window, which he thought was open but actually was not. The shattering of glass woke up Jacob, who assumed a mantis pose. Naked. His junk dangled all over the place. Believe me, Edward noticed.

"WHY ARE YOU TWO NAKED?" Edward bellowed, shaking the very foundation of the house. Charlie, who was downstairs the entire time, just grunted and returned to his hot gay porn on the flat screen. Bella twitched again. Jacob, who knew all about Edward's fetish, grinned evilly.

"Oh, Eddieeeeeeeeeeeeee! Lookie here!" He transformed into a wolf. Edward's eyes bulged. His pants got a little bit tighter and blood gushed out of his nose.

"JACOB! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Edward leaped out of the broken window and ran all the way to Maine. Tears of pure ecstasy and lust ran down his cheeks the entire trip.

Jacob turned back into a human and smiled smugly. Then, he turned to his naked beloved and released himself to his animal instincts once again.


End file.
